If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
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Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been