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Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”