Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
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Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
happy friday
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.