[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
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Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!