Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
You Might Also Like
Just ordered me some pizza!
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like