I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
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I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Breaking news:
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Breaking news:
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.