no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
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Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here