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I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)