It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
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Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too