She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
The 6 types of sex
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out