“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
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My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.