I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
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[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows