My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
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I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.