I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
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You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
tell em, edith-anne
Whoa… oh I see lol
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.