Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
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“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back