“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
nobody’s gonna understand
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently