Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
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jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.