“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
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“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?