I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
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Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.