I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
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mom gave me mine for free
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I didn’t realize that was an option
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.