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The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Gemma Correll
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.