Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
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Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb