*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
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The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
We need more people like this.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro