Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
my first dose meeting my second
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”