You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
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Welcome to the stomach
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
🍛
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.