Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
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eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
PLOT TWIST:
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
it’s a van. how do they not know this