I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?