I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
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ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
they should invent a rest for the wicked