The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
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Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Who does Amazon think I am?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange