To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
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Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.