Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
When you don’t understand how floors work
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.