I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
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Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.