saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
You Might Also Like
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
The funk soul brother
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.