At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
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“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
There is no “ea” in Tim.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!