*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
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[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
subtitles are so good nowadays
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.