If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
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My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.