Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
You Might Also Like
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work