roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
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Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Meow
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.