Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
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If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Blew my mind.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.