Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
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When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.