These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
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I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.