My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
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So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?