A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves