If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
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[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My biological clock is wheezing.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.