Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
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“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness