[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
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We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
The fall of Netflix
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.