What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
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ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Did…did a minotaur write this
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.