If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
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This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Autocorrect is my menesis
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd