[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
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Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.