All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
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Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.